It's Not About the Beauty

Lying on the fluffy hotel bed, it almost enveloped me with its softness, encouraging me to drift off into dreamland. But no, I had work emails in my inbox waiting for responses. As I typed up an email, I glanced over at my friend lying on her own bed only a few feet away. "I'm leaving in about half an hour to go out with some friends," I reminded her. She smiled and nodded in response, her sleek blonde pony tail lay smoothly against her back. And all of sudden all the old feelings came flooding back with a sickening rush.

A friend I didn't know very well had invited me to go eat and hang out with a group of them that evening. I only somewhat knew a few people from the group and now these old feelings had resurfaced.

What if they don't like me?
What if I can't think of anything to say?
What if they think I'm boring?
What if I say something dumb?

What if I'm not pretty?
What if I'm not fun?
What if I can't keep the conversation going?
What if I'm not interesting, or cool or smart or a hundred other things I don't measure up to?
Why would they even want to hang out with me anyways? There are a million other people more awesome than I am.

And of course now I was really feeling in the dumps. In some past social situations where I wasn't in my comfort zone, I'd really let these feelings effect me and I'd become self-conscious, which would cause me to be more reclusive and shy, so then I wouldn't talk as much, leading me to feel boring. Do you see the vicious cycle?

I could imagine this self-induced social awkwardness ruining my evening out and leaving me feeling unfulfilled and unhappy.

As these negative feeling assailed me, I felt close to tears, but instead of continuing to wallow in my own self-pity, I pulled out my Bible and began to pray.

I ended up at Isaiah 53.

"He has no form or comeliness; and when we see Him, there is no beauty that we should desire Him. He is despised and rejected by men, a Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief. And we hid, as it were, our faces from Him; He was despised, and we did not esteem Him."

I want people to like me, to desire me, to think I'm beautiful and interesting. But look at Jesus. His person was not such that others would be attracted to him. He had no beauty to desire. He wasn't thought of, regarded, or valued. Yet I crave these things that the humble Jesus had no part in. And if anything he should be the one to be esteemed!

Lesson One

Who do I think I am to expect more esteem, beauty, etc. than did my Creator, my Saviour, my Example?

Jesus was a "Man of sorrows and acquainted with grief." Sure his griefs were on a completely different level than mine, but he can still relate to my heartache. The verses continue on to say, "Surely He has borne our griefs and carried our sorrows; yet we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God, and afflicted."

Lesson Two

Even if my sorrow and grief is unfounded and selfish, Jesus still understands and cares, and he has promised to bear them for me.

"But He was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities; the chastisement for our peace was upon Him, and by His stripes we are healed. All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned, every one, to his own way; and the Lord has laid on Him the iniquity of us all." The only reason Jesus was here on our dirty, sinful planet was to minister to and save us ungrateful humans, (including selfish me). This was his whole purpose.

Lesson Three

If I follow in Jesus' footsteps, by living to serve others, I will completely forget self and be a partaker of divine fulfillment and happiness.

How could I even think of my own horrid self, my own wants and petty desires, in the face of such eternal love, sacrifice, and service? He poured out all for me, even though I have consistently turned to my own way and gone astray. Silent tears slipped down my face and I buried my head in my pillow pouring my heart out to my Jesus.

Self was completely forgotten and with a heart made light by the love of Jesus, and a new purpose to bless and to serve others, I left to meet up with my friends.  When I got back to my room that night, after a very successful and fun evening out, I realized that the old feelings of self-consciousness and deficiency had not once plagued me. 

So sure, maybe I'm not the most beautiful or the most interesting. But who cares! Is it my purpose in life to be fun and pretty? No! It's to follow in the footsteps of my Saviour and to live for others, not myself. It seems like there is a lot of media hype going around right now about beauty, wanting women to feel confident and comfortable in their own skin. There are videos of women "freeing" themselves by taking off their makeup and talking about trying to break down some negative "socially-acceptable" walls. And sure, that's great. But even watching these videos can cause me to have silly thoughts like, "well she's still more beautiful than I am even with no makeup on...so not fair." Some say, "Everyone is beautiful." Well it depends on your definition of beautiful, but no, not everyone is beautiful in the sense of good-looking. But I think this is all missing an important element, one not supplied by the world. It's missing the "let's just stop looking at ourselves altogether and look to Jesus and the people he's placed in our lives that we can touch" aspect.

Less than a week after my Isaiah 53 reading and evening out, I was sitting on the bus with a group of students after a trip, heading back up to the academy where I work. We had just picked up a student from the airport who had missed the trip. As she climbed on she was not welcomed with shouts of how the other students had missed her on the trip, no one asked her how her time at home was, there were no yells of "come sit with me." In fact, she was not really greeted at all. Sure, she was a bit of a loner, somewhat socially awkward, needed lots of attention, but still I felt sorry for her and disappointed in the other students. "Hi, " I said and smiled at her. She slumped down in the seat next to me and proceeded to sulk. I waited a few minutes and then scooting down so my head was at her level, I asked what was wrong. "I just don't belong here!" she moaned. She continued on with how she just didn't fit in with her class, how she couldn't wait to graduate and just be out of here, maybe she shouldn't have come back at all. What could I say? And then it hit me. Sending up a silent prayer, I quietly shared with her how sometimes I too don't feel like I fit in, sometimes I feel deficient, unliked, uncool. But the best way to deal with those feelings is to not think about them. Don't focus on self, because that's not going to make you happy. I encouraged her to spend her last months of school looking to see what little things she could do to help and bless others instead of feeling bad about herself. I don't know what kind of an impact my words made, she seemed to take it all in, but I know the Holy Spirit was speaking through me as I shared what he had revealed to me, and I knew he would continue working where I could not.

Now I just need to remember to remember these lessons myself.